Love Is Not Transactional

A series of Tik Tok videos featuring women unabashedly objectifying men has me mulling over morality, and questioning the future of mankind

Marble Anaglyph at Archaeological Museum of Nicopolis. Translated from Greek to English: “Ancient Greek Symposium. A couple in love time.”/ Wiki Commons

I will start this essay by stating that I do not have a Tik Tok account. However, due to the way social media works, Tik Tok videos also make their way onto other platforms like Facebook and Instagram. I have accounts at both, so I still occasionally see Tik Tok videos even though I have refused for several years to create an account on the site despite many people asking me why, as a professional musician, I don’t have a profile at one of the music industry’s most popular social media channels. I already have to deal with Facebook and Instagram, the last thing I need is another social account to manage. Plus, it’s a matter of sheer principle. Out of all the video platforms, Tik Tok has the most debased content.

Today, I share with you the latest example.

Misandry Abound

While chatting with my husband just the other day, he mentioned a series of videos originating on Tik Tok that feature women discussing with a moderator the requirements they expect out of the men they date. All requirements center around money. These women range from young millennials to Gen Z’ers, and all of them expect their partner to pull in a six figure income while still being in their 20s or early 30s. The percentage of American males under the age of 30 who make 100k or higher? Less than 1.2%. They were not aware of this.

Upon learning about these videos, I was admittedly appalled. When my husband and I met, he was in college and I was starting my own business. Though we did have the occasional date night out, neither of us had big budgets to spend on entertainment. We didn’t care. Just being together was plenty.

When I learn about things like this, it’s hard for me to turn a blind eye. My philosopher’s lens focuses even more, zeroing in on the target that is indicative of a culture in decline. Just to see what else was out there in regards to today’s dating landscape (I have been thankfully out of the loop for quite a few years), I began researching more videos. My shock then turned to disgust.

I should have known it would. I have mostly male friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Occasionally, the single ones ask me if I have a female friend they might have a potential connection with. I have to admit, I sadly don’t. While they have trouble finding women they can build a future with, I have a long history of having trouble keeping female friends. I am very thankful for the couple I do have, who are all happily married. But that’s for an entirely different essay.

Other videos I found included a woman with a laundry list of restaurants and venues that she deemed as beneath her for dates. Several of the places were spots my husband and I happily visited a time or two over the course of our 13 year relationship. These places included Olive Garden, Starbucks, Chili’s, and Cheesecake Factory. Other places in general spanned everything from the movies and sporting events (this one is my personal favorite for the occasional night out) to bowling alleys and buffet restaurants.

Perhaps the most shocking of all (oh yes, there’s more), is a new cultural phenomenon championed by certain women. This creative little invention is known as the “sex spreadsheet.” 

Apparently, many single women these days have shaken off the archaic notion that the female gender isn’t data-driven. They’ve shed their worn-out, stained aprons and have figured out how to expertly use Excel and Google Sheets. Except they’re not using them to track expenses. They’re using them to reduce the men they sleep with to a series of categories including penis size, height, and skill in between the sheets. How well or poorly these men score according to the criteria gets them a second date or not.

Post-women’s movement, it seems many women have become the very men they supposedly were fighting against. Though until women got a hold of data software, I had never heard of the concept of “sex spreadsheets.” This unfortunately, appears to be an invention that belongs to the female gender.

By the way, in all the videos I watched, it never dawned on these women what they had to offer potential partners. It was a completely one-sided affair.

That perhaps, is the saddest part of all.

Loneliness and the American Male

In the days of feminism, it appears this “empowerment” comes at the expense of almost half of the population, so is it really all that empowering?

Men are the loneliest they’ve ever been. A whopping 46.1% report feelings of loneliness and isolation, and that number has been increasing at a rapid rate since the ‘90s. There are far more young single men than women. Why? According to an article by the New York Post, it’s because “dates feel more like job interviews.”

One video I found featured a woman detailing the requirements she expected of her boyfriend, some of which included paying for her trips to the hair salon and nail salon, new clothes, and anything else she deemed as necessary for her to purchase while dating.

According to the New York Post article, a staggering 63% of men under the age of 30 are single. And apparently, it’s because they simply can’t afford not to be.

Love and Its Proper Nature

All of this points to a deeply troubling aspect of today’s culture. A culture is only as strong as its relationships, as its interactions with people. There’s a reason civility has long been a cornerstone of the most flourishing civilizations. Civility, courtesy, and respect are important while interacting with the general public. They are absolutely essential while interacting with your spouse.

Of all relationships, perhaps the romantic one is the most important. After all, if you love someone properly, it creates the greatest personal renaissance one could ever experience.

The most beautiful art, literature, music, and cinema has love at its center: Love of man, which extends to love of another, and artists, like da Vinci for instance, who most definitely loved the subjects they recreated.

When you love someone, it is some of the most philosophically demanding and rewarding work you will ever do.

A lover, whether one realizes it or not, is and should be the embodiment of one’s highest convictions. The one you love represents the principles, values, and ideals you will not forsake. And because you will not forsake them, you must work everyday to represent them as well. Contrary to popular belief, love is not about compromise, but about being uncompromising when it comes to principles and convictions. This is the important stuff. This is what should be talked about on first dates.

The great artists and philosophers understood this. Our culture has all but forgotten it.

In today’s culture, love is apparently built on transaction. But it's an unsound transaction. Much like our weightless paper dollars that are so empty they are backed by absolutely nothing, so too is the foundation many women are attempting to build romantic relationships on these days.

It is true, there is give and take within a relationship. But that comes after a solid foundation has been built and two people are emotionally invested in each other, and most importantly, can trust each other.

Income, net worth, and other nuts and bolts are discussions for long term relationships and marriage. And spreadsheets listing the most intimate details of a person along with their name should never be a reality within relationships.

Money, privilege, and status does not fortify a romantic relationship against all of the battles it will face in life, and it will face battles.

Virtue does.

Romance and Morality

Women should not be spending their time on lists of restaurants their date can’t take them to, but lists of virtues they hold dear, and especially ones they possess themselves.

Honest contemplation, orienting oneself with reality, these are important philosophical exercises women should be doing. It seems off-topic but it’s actually right on point.

With loneliness statistics so high (in both men and women), and the high rate at which men remain single, part of the issue revolves around cultural vanity that has become so depraved, men are all but expected to bring a resume to a dinner they have to pay for yet have no control over.

The reality is, money is not a final cause. We often look at people who are financially well off in a linear way. He does a certain amount of work in exchange for a certain amount of dollars. That’s about as far as people generally get these days because envy sets in all too quickly in this world which punishes success and rewards failure.

The reality is, many of today’s successful men are in lines of work they are passionate about. Passion and purpose, this is a final cause. They are the last of the entrepreneurs who create, innovate, and scale so that consumers have access to a product or service both he and his customers believe in. They are men who are medical professionals, attorneys, professors, writers, athletes, businessmen, and so much more.

The dollar amount should be secondary when it comes to the relationships they choose to participate in. It’s the virtue that fuels their career success that will be even more important if they find someone to build a life with. Virtue that must be individually reflected in the mate they choose.

Wisdom, temperance, courage, reason, justice, all of these virtues and many more are at the heart of the successful man.

They are also at the heart of the successful woman. It is clear to me, judging from the multitude of videos out there featuring women considered exclusively with what they can be provided with instead of what they can provide in romantic relationships, virtue is sorely lacking within a large part of the dating pool.

If relationships are to be viewed as a business deal, it must be on sound terms. First and foremost, on the businessman’s ethically sound principle of free trade. You must be willing to provide something in return for what you are asking for. If you want financial comfort from your husband, you must provide a supportive environment which fosters him being able to give you that type of comfort. If you want to feel loved, safe, and nurtured within a relationship, you must be loving. You must be protective. And you must be nurturing.

Men and women chasing Aristotelian excellence. This is the only way we can restore love back to its proper nature and reduce loneliness, isolation, and a population of young people who are feeling more and more hopeless each day.

And if a currency is to be established in a relationship, it must be in the form of virtue. Dollars will pay the mortgage on the house. But it is virtue that builds the home.

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